Top 10 Things I Hate About the Holidays (in no particular order)

  1. Christmas music!  Since when has it EVER been okay to play Christmas music in October?  What in the holy hell are retailers thinking?  That playing the music will make us all chipper and that the Christmas spirit will descend up on us?  What, like I’m going to bust out my hideous Christmas sweater BEFORE Thanksgiving?  Nope, no way, screw you, Walmart, Kmart, JCPenny and every freaking mall in America.  You guys suck.  Christmas music is only for Christmas (or at least after Thanksgiving)!  Unless you secretly (or not so secretly) listen to it all year long.MerryThanksgivoween!
  2. Ugly Christmas Sweaters!  Okay, we get it.  Your Great-Aunt Mildred hates you and/or loves you and gives you hideous knitted attire each year.  Please stop taking pictures of it and putting it up on the web.  I don’t want to see another drunken, half-naked overweight asshole making fun of his Great Aunt Mildred.  You’re just rude.  A nice picture of you in the sweater would suffice.  We all know it’s butt-ugly and we feel your pain.  But when you’re sweaty and half-dressed and throwing gang signs while wearing a lighted Christmas sweater you look like an asshole, and you probably are one, too.UglySweaters-Hates
  3. Shopping!  Oh my God, really?  What in the hell do you get a woman who already has everything she’s ever wanted besides grandchildren?  And the man who only likes apple cake and flashlights?  Or the kid who only likes to fish?  The same damn thing you get them every year.  Whatever she tells you to, apple cake mix and flashlights, and a gift card to {insert sporting goods store here}.  Woohoo.  I’m usually done shopping for them by January.  Don’t think I’m selfish because I only shop for myself on Black Friday.  Mama needs all. the. shoes.  Especially at Black Friday sale prices.ShoeSaleCat
  4. Presents!  I hate wrapping presents.  With a passion.  Who said presents had to be wrapped?  I think they’re just fine in bags.  In fact, the inner hippie in me prefers bags because they get recycled year after year.  What happens to all that paper?  Garbage – what a freaking waste.  Unless you were my Grandma Lero.  She reused wrapping paper.  And foil.  And baggies.  I can’t even begin to tell you how much I miss that woman.WrappingPaper
  5. Decorating!  I usually put off decorating until the last freaking second because I hate dusting, and once you remove all the regular junk and begin to put out the Christmas junk, you have to dust.  Also, I have the same argument with Mischelle over the proper use of tinsel v. garland to describe the shiny stuff you put on your tree.  There’s tinsel (icicles) and tinsel garland (the stuff you wrap around the tree).  I call them both tinsel.  Mischelle always says, “Don’t you mean garland?”  I say, “No.  I mean tinsel.”  Have you ever seen an icicle at my house. woman?  I learned the lesson that icicles are the Devil when I had to pull one out of my cat’s ass.TinselButt
  6. Cookie Days!  Effing balls.  I hate rolling balls.  Cookie balls suck ass.  And it seems that every. single. recipe we make has to be rolled into balls.  But, we have a volunteer for ball-rolling again this year.  Fingers crossed that she wants to come back next year!  And when I give you some freaking cookies, can you take a second to appreciate all the work that went into them before you fucking crumble them up in your giant face hole?  K, thanks.CookieFace
  7. The Annual Robbins Christmas Dinner with Friends!  I have a love/hate relationship with this party.  I love to put it on, but I hate that Mr. Bug gets to sit in the garage with all of our friends chatting and chilling while I run around like a chicken with my head cut off.  But, this year, I think we’ve found a happy medium.  We’re doing a barbecue.  So, I get to make sides the DAY BEFORE and he’s going to have to smoke big meat the DAY  OF!  Payback’s a bitch, amIright?CowSnow
  8. Sauerkraut!  It makes me fart,  or as I like to say, it makes my butt bark.  A lot.  And I’m the only one who eats it.  So, I pile it on my plate because it’s sooooo good.  But, boo – poo air.GeneralDirection
  9. Twinkling tree lights!  It’s all fun and games until you have to take the tree down.  Then where’s everyone Mischelle who helped forced you put it up because there was no time left before the party?  Hiding.  Like the little bitches they are (not really).  And then you say, “Fuck it!” and the tree stays up until the week before Easter because you have company coming Easter week.DeadTree
  10. Twas The Night Before Christmas!  I have to wait on a phone call from my mom instead of sitting in the living room reading it with her.  That bums me out so hard each and every year.  I always end up crying after we’re off the phone because I don’t live near her.  It gives me the sads.MissMom