Yup. America is awesome. Happy Independence Day!
A lot of people think that today is America’s birthday. And those people are wrong. Today is not America’s birthday. It’s the day that we announced our independence from England. America, as it were, existed long before that. Several years before, to be inexact. I’m not sure America’s actual birthday can be determined. It happened over a series of years and was a result of a crapload of injustices perpetrated against the colonies by a king who was desperate for money and the need to exert power over his subjects.
America wasn’t very good at following directions, or taking it up the ass without complaint. We said, “Hey, King Umptesquat, eff you. We don’t want to be taxed by you unless you give us some representation in Parliament. We’d like our needs and wants to be addressed in the House of Commons. No biggie, just fair shit.” I’m paraphrasing, of course.
And then, there was the whole war thing. Americans hated being used as a pawn in England’s game of who’s got the bigger (land) mass. So, we told good ol’ King Umptesquat to go suck our big toe, and he was all, “I don’t like toe jam, peasants!” Well, he was a dick. America’s toe jam tastes like unicorn poop mixed with crack. His toe jam sucking resistance necessitated his ass kicking. When we were done kicking his ass and taking away his toys, some men in wigs and high heels signed a really big piece of paper and, voila, America’s independence was declared.
Actually, now that I think about it, I think this is all the pipe dream of a bunch of drag queens. And that’s okay. Because, this is a kick-ass place.
‘merica! Fuck yeah!