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My 10th anniversary is next May.  I’m very excited!  Not only because I’ve been married to the love of my life for 10 years, but that I’m not in prison for killing said love of my life on those few (many) occasions when he pisses me off to no end.  To celebrate our milestone, we decided to go to Cabo for a week-long vacation next May and renew our vows on the beach.  I’ve been telling my family and friends about it for quite some time so they can start preparing themselves (i.e., saving money) to go on the trip with us if they so choose.

Now, let me tell you one thing: this trip is NOT optional for my mother.  She must go.  It’s in the fucking contract: “Thou shalt go on offspring’s marriage milestone vacations.”  Especially if you’re the ONLY PARENT and the offspring is an ONLY CHILD.  There’s no possible excuse that can be good enough to get out of the trip.  I guess major surgery, coma and/or death could get her out of it.  But that’s IT.

So, I call her up all excited and say, “I can’t wait to go to Cabo!  Start figuring out what you’re gonna do with the semi-step-brother!

She responded with, “Yeah, about that.  I don’t think I can go.  Have you heard about the horrors in Mexico with the drug cartels and border violence?

Um, excuse, me, what did she just say??  Because that sounded like she wasn’t going to go on my marriage milestone vacation.

So, here’s the real reason my mother’s not going.  Her boyfriend thinks Mexico is a dangerous place.  Since he doesn’t want to go and he thinks she’s going to die if SHE goes, she’s not going either.  Are you kidding me?!  I tell Dan to suck it on a regular basis.  I even had to call his ass out this past Thursday when he said he couldn’t make it to something I was going to.  I looked at him like he’d just eaten lead paint chips, “Uh huh.  Well, I guess you didn’t notice, but you weren’t invited.”  Duh.  When I say “I’m” going somewhere, it doesn’t mean “we.”  “I’m” not going to make that kind of mistake.  I digress.

Anyway, my mother tells me she can’t go because Lamar doesn’t want to go and would feel more comfortable if she didn’t go because she’s going to be stabbed, kidnapped, and/or raped by Mexican drug lords.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Lamar.  He’s nice, takes great care of my mother and he’s funny.  But, he seems to think ALL Mexicans are drug lords, apparently.

Since I live in Maryland (close to DC), I haven’t heard of the border violence.  It doesn’t directly affect anyone in DC, so they don’t give a rat’s ass and don’t report on it.  I also haven’t heard about the drug cartels because it doesn’t affect ANYONE IN THE UNITED STATES.  My mother lives in Houston, TX, so she hears about all of this on her nightly news because nothing else happens in Houston for them to report on.  Except “Slime in the Ice Machine!”  (RIP, Marv – good golf, good tennis or WHATEVER makes you happy.)

In an attempt to nip this ridiculousness in the bud, I sent the following in an e-mail to my travel agent, Jean:

Oh, my mother is concerned about the unrest the drug cartels are causing.
Can we get any information from the resort that shows that it is safe and that
she’s not going to be kidnapped and/or murdered?  I know that is a silly
request, but she’s freaking out about it and says she won’t go because she
thinks she’s going to die.  I wish I was kidding.

She kindly responded with:

I will ask the resort and see what they will send me.  Here is the link to the
current Mexico travel alert.  http://travel.state.gov/travel/cis_pa_tw/cis/cis_970.html

I can’t believe my travel agent didn’t give me shit for my mom’s craziness.  Jean’s very professional.  She is also a friend of mine, so if the situation were reversed, I would have given her copious amounts of crap for having an overreacting mother.

After reading the travel alert I created this diagram to help my mother understand exactly where she was going in relation to the drug dealing, kidnapping, and stabby and/or rape-y murdering Mexican drug cartels.

Probably.

You're NOT going to die on the Baja Peninsula. The bad guys aren't going to get themselves cornered in a tourist trap. And if they do, they're stupid bad guys, so you can probably get away from them by hollering, "Ardilla!" at them. Ardilla is Spanish for squirrel.

So, Mom, you’re going to be fine.  Probably.

*Update!  Deet duh de deet! This just in…*

Here’s the official response from the resort:

“First of all I have to let you know that the crime rate in Mexico touristic locations
is really low, way lower than in most of the cities of the US. Mexico is a huge
country and the dangerous areas are far away from  the touristic places.

If we talk about Los Cabos specifically you have to know that Baja California
Sur is third safest state in Mexico. Security should not be among your concerns,
the biggest threat here is the sun (it shines average 330 days a year).”

Bam!  Take that, Mama.

Also, I priced airline tickets today and all the tickets have a freaking stopover in H-Town.  That means we can all be on the same flight on the way to gloriously sunny Mexico!

Double Bam!

And – even better!  I’m sure I can get some horse tranqs for Lamar (not really).  He’ll just wake up in Mexico and say, “Oh, well.  I’m here now.  May as well enjoy myself.  Now, where’s that pool bar?

Or he’ll say, “Call the police!  I’ve been kidnapped!”  Which is exactly what he expects to happen in good ol’ Mehico, right?  So, either way, he’ll be happy.  Probably not.  Good thing it’s my (I mean, “our“) vacation.

So, Mom, you’re going to be fine.  *Definitely.*

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