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As we wind down my birth month’s festivities, also known as “Fiesta de Jen,” let’s recap.

Birth Month, Week 1: Nada.  <- See a theme developing?

Birth Month, Week 2: También nada… until Friday.  Then shit really started happening!

Birth Month, Week 2.5: ¡Fantástico!  Dan made me dinner for my birthday!  It was great.  He made some t-bones and grilled some corn-on-the-cob.  Then he took me out for a birthday cone.  And then a birthday beer (or three).  It was a great evening!  Thanks, babe.  But I see now that he was just trying to make himself feel better for what he was about to do to me.

Birth Month: Part Deux

I’m a cheap, easy date. Just throw me a cone, and I’m happy.

Birth Month, Week 3: ¡Ay!  Dan told me I wasn’t important and abandoned me.  At least, that’s how it felt.  He didn’t even sleep in and snuggle with me the day he abandoned me.  He just got up at the crack of dawn and sneaked out like some kind of criminal.  I mean, who the f**k did I marry?!  (See what I did there?)  What he really did was leave for a business trip.  But this is my blog and I’m gonna tell this story the way I want it told.  This is “based” on true events, people – just “based.”

Dan told me I wasn’t important and abandoned me.

Birth Month, Week 3.5: *suspiro*  All alone in my house.  And I keep forgetting to feed the dogs and cat.  I’m such a shitty Mom.  Really, I’m surprised they’re still living.  So, Dan, if the dogs and cat are all dead when you get home, it’s your fault.  You left us and we hate you.  Until you come home bearing gifts.  And you’d better be bearing gifts.  And, no, salt packets from McDonald’s don’t count.  But Polynesian sauce packets from Chick-fil-A do.  Although, I don’t recall having a snow globe from Maine…  I’m just saying.

You left us and we hate you.

Birth Month, Week 4: Ahora, me estoy enojado.  Still alone.  Started writing a blog.  If I were you, I’d run if I pick up an axe and start hollering, “Heeeeere’s Jenni!”  I think the dogs are plotting to kill me in my sleep.  Especially Pixie, the little one.  She gets all snuggly by my face – but not in a good way.  I think she’s trying to control my mind the way she looks at me all squinty.  And the dogs spent most of last night up in our roommate’s room.  Apparently, I’m not the glue that holds the family together after all.  I’m just the bitch that clips their nails and makes them take walks.  The ingrates.

On a happier note: ¡Alegría!  Dan called and told me he couldn’t live without me and our pet-kids and begged me to let him return no later than Thursday evening depending on traffic.  I still have power over him.  That’s right, I have the mind control in this family, Pixie.  Dance, bitch.  I said DANCE!

Don’t fuck with me, Pix. I own you. Literally.

Oh, right, the theme.  Adios, perras!

Translations:
Fiesta de Jen – Jen Party
Nada – nothing
También nada – also nothing
Fantástico – fantastic (duh)
Ay – groan
Suspiro – sigh
Ahora, me estoy enojado. – Now, I’m getting pissed.
Alegría – joy
Adios, perras – ‘bye, bitches
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